Forgive Me, Leonard Peacock (I have so many thoughts)

Author: Matthew Quick

Genres: Contemporary, young adult (the characters are but I don't think young adult me would have handled this well so to me it's new adult?), mental health

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ (4.25)

TW: suicidal thoughts, depression, thoughts of murder, neglect, abuse, rape, antisemitism, bullying

Today is Leonard Peacock’s birthday. It is also the day he hides a gun in his backpack. Because today is the day he will kill his former best friend, and then himself, with his grandfather’s P-38 pistol.

But first he must say good-bye to the four people who matter most to him.

Can we talk about that ending? This was going to be 5 stars but that last page just dropped it for me. Going to talk about it more below in the spoiler section.

This book was quite a short read, but takes some time to really get into it and not want to stop reading. What's interesting about this book is that there are footnotes to certain statements that are like additional comments or stories from the main character. This may disrupt the pacing somewhat since you need to keep going back and forth (should you choose to do so), but I found this format really unique. There were also letters from the future!! The characters introduced in this book were quite fleshed out to me, and I really enjoyed the main character's dynamic with each character.

Overall, this was a great read and not something I'll soon forget. Some quotes in the book really hit me hard. Things really got quite heavy towards the end and made me tear, and there were also some graphic things (for me) of which made me glad I'm reading this at 21 and not any younger because I don't think younger me would have been quite ready for that. However, the ending really disappointed me, and I do not think concludes the story well for young adults who will read this.

SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER

Another thing I noted was that there were 2 references that made me go !!! One of them was that the class, at one point, was discussing about The Picture of Dorian Gray and I found that really interesting because I feel like a lot of people on BookTube are reading that classic recently, and this book was published in 2013. If I read this book at like, 2015, that reference to Dorian Gray would have totally gone over my head. Similarly, the main character talked about the musical Cats, which instantly made me think of the movie adaptation (?) of the musical which came out in 2019. Again, I probably wouldn't have known or cared if I read this book at an earlier time.

Let's talk about the heavy part. It was revealed that his best friend, Asher, was mean to Leonard because he was (heavily implied) to have been sexually assaulted by his uncle on a fishing trip. After which, Asher started to do the same to Leonard, raping him for several times over 2 years. This was a sudden reveal and was quite shocking to me, and would thus be an important trigger warning to some. Furthermore, there was this rather long (and honestly, quite weird) section in the book with one of the characters and Christianity, and how Leonard was lusting for the girl, having hard-ons just by elbow touching and ogling her exposed body parts. But then it was revealed that Leonard was gay, which made me rather confused. Was he then bi? Or was he at that point still confused about his sexuality?

Moreover, the letters from the future thing was an interesting addition. At first I thought they were really letters from the future, but it made much more sense for the main character to have written them to himself. This also brings me to Herr Silverman, his Holocaust class teacher. I really loved how caring he was and responsible as a teacher, going so far for his student. His efforts during the attempted suicidal scene really made me tear and he's probably my favorite character in this book. However, his reaction the next day to Leonard running off and the way his voice mail was worded in the book felt rather strange to me with him expressing his "irritation" and "disappointment" because how would he know whether Leonard was in a stable condition? Wouldn't he be more worried even with the note Leonard left him?

Now, the ending. I felt like the author left so many loose ends and we don't see a conclusion. Firstly, the ending felt so abrupt? We ended off with the Leonard running out of the house while his mother is still arguing over the phone with someone, without having resolved their relationship or anything. Everything is still largely the same. Then, the last chapter was the last letter from the future, which I don't understand the hidden meaning of, probably because I can't read between the lines. We also don't know what will happen between Leonard and Asher, nor whether or not Leonard does get to go for therapy or if he still kills himself in the end. As I mentioned earlier, I do not think the ending gives off a good message for young adults or people of any other age range reading this because there was no resolution.

I know it seems like I have a lot of negative things to say about this book, but overall it really was a great read up until the second last chapter. Read at your own risk I guess?